School

I began a graduate degree in mechanical engineering in August of 2020. The first seven weeks gave me some insight to what waterboarding feels like. As time went on, I began to question if I still wanted to be in school. I talked myself into staying and stayed. I was doing well enough in my classes and was working long days. Most days,  I would get to school around 8:00 am and frequently wouldn't come home until 10:30 pm. the burdens grew exponentially and as I completed one to-do list item, I was given another 17, thus the waterboarding. 

It took me until I was washing some dishes one evening and began sobbing to realize something was wrong. Within an hour, I was bawling in my parents living room (as any self respecting 26 year-old would do) while they helped talk through my struggles, options, and plans. Chantelle was there, and helped me get my head on straight. 

The struggles never let up and it was all self induced. I had signed myself up for nine graduate credits, 20 hours a week of research, 10 hours of a week of a TA position, was a club president, had just bought a house, and was trying to live a life outside of all of this. I frequently overestimate how much I can handle, I'm usually marginally close and can make it work, but this was absurd. As a section of my resolutions made with Chantelle and my parents, I had dropped the research hours and was feeling slightly better but still felt like I was drowning. After a few weeks of thinking about my options, and dozens of those "WTF am I doing?" sighs, I decided to not enroll in more school after this semester (for the time being). 

I called my previous internship/employer to get some feelers for their demand of a guy like me. I had enjoyed the work I did with them and had told myself I'd be interested in a career there. To my pleasure, I was greeted with, "I hope you're coming back to work" as opposed to a "hello" or something more standard. Within a week I had signed an acceptance letter and will commence my career as a mechanical engineer in January (I'm still finishing this semester).

Getting into grad school was no easy feat for me. I battled to come to terms with leaving it behind (this is more like the "not right now, but, also maybe bye forever" kind of break up). Eventually, I came to the realization that I can be a successful engineer and enjoy the present. I can be prepared for the future and be happy now. I'm sure they'll be days that I wished I had stayed. But, since making these changes, I've been able to think clearly, see my spouse, family, and friends, and start the hellish project of re-building our 71 year old roof. My chest no longer feels over-pressurized with stress and anxiety of how behind I was and the number of "WTF am I doing?" sighs has dissipated. 

Cheers to the future. 

--Oliver